Letting Go

During the process of trying to get pregnant I heard so many stories and experiences from a number of random women who did not get pregnant easily.  The only thing I found to be consistent in their journey is that they all seemed to get to a point where they had to let it go. I would repeatedly hear that they stopped trying and finally started having fun sex again, or they got drunk and crazy and just fucked, or they started looking into adoption and took the pressure off.   I knew in my head that I needed to let go but how do you let go of the one thing in life you have always wanted?  I do not have any idea how you really let it go but I do know that temporarily letting it go is what worked for me each time I got pregnant.

During my journey to motherhood my yoga practice stepped up considerably.  In my yoga practice I continuously meditated on letting go.  I would chant "let go" in my mind, I would visualize letting go in my mind's eye, I would create artwork of birds flying, I tried everything that I could to train my mind to be in the moment and to let go of whatever the future may hold.  I feel like my yoga practice really helped to train my mind to be aware of my thoughts and to be able to free from them the circle of rethinking the same thought over and over again but I couldn't really let go of trying to get pregnant until I became frustrated with the process.  The last two times I became pregnant I had reached a point of feeling hopeless, Spring Break was right around the corner and I wanted to just have fun and not think about what my body was or was not doing.  My heart was tired of the 2WW, the let down, assessing all my PMS symptoms and thinking they were pregnancy symptoms, I wanted to just have some fun.  Sure enough, having fun interpreted into having fun, wild sex.  The fun sex ended up getting us pregnant.

Now that I am pregnant and have just entered my third trimester I feel like the letting go is going to be tool that I will need to have sharp and ready at all times.  Now I am learning to let go of the fear of birth, the pain of contracting and pushing, the fear that baby might not be okay, the fear of my midsection getting bigger and bigger, the fear of stretch marks, the fear of not having everything we might need for baby, the fear of not having enough money, the fear of not sleeping.....  The list goes on and once baby is born then there will be a whole new list of things to hold onto, to think about, to "let go"of.